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Melanie

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The Digging Remedy [Apr. 30th, 2016|02:34 pm]
Melanie
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Mood |ecstaticecstatic]
[Current Music |CLOCK: Plaid]



Plaid will release their 11th studio album 10 June, titled The Digging Remedy (http://www.thediggingremedy.com), along with new t-shirts & a tour!! The tour dates haven't been released yet, but I am holding out much hope that they will come to New Orleans, or somewhere close enough for me to go see them. That'd be one last band on my bucket list to see live before I die. Others already crossed off list:
~Björk
~Sonic Youth
~Primus

I've seen a ton more than this, obviously, but these 3 (plus Plaid at the #1 spot) are artists I'd wanted to see perform in person for years & years. Financial limitations are the only reason I've yet to see Plaid... A few years ago, they came as close to me as Texas, but I was unable to make that one.... Maybe this will be my year.

Sure, it's true: I already have 3 Plaid-themed tattoos, more than any other recurring subject on my skin, and maybe I'm going overboard, BUT I have planned for a couple years to get this one also, which is now featured on the cover of the new album:


Four Plaid tattoos? Am I going overboard? If I am, though, who cares? All my tattoos have double meanings to me, most of which I keep to myself, & this one is no different. I do occasionally worry about being misunderstood as a sycophant or something, but in the end, you have to do what makes YOU happy, right? This will make me quite happy, as will the new album, I am sure. I've yet to be disappointed by my darlings Plaid.
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Me Junkie / Shame vs. Pride In Mississippi [Apr. 23rd, 2016|02:55 pm]
Melanie
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[Current Music |Sonic Youth: Hoarfrost]

For reasons that even years of therapy have yet to explain to me, hermit-mode kicks in every so often & I disappear, sort of, for weeks, months, sometimes years. According to many, many internet personality tests, known for their infallible logic & accuracy (/sarcasm), it's all in line with the kind of person I am, defined by so many seemingly random acronyms, like a lot in my life: INFP, OCD, PTSD, etc. Most recently, it was put to me that these are times for me to "re-align" & get "re-centered," which honestly sounds a little hippie-dippie to my cynical self, however truthful it may or may not be.
These quizzes are only as honest as the answers provided; often one's view of one's own self is the farthest from reality, so I take them with a grain of salt. I try to be real, I try to be my own definition of "good", & I try to be true to myself. I hope I am a success at those things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Political matters are typically not of much interest to me, & more often than not I avoid them, knowing I'll just get pissed off the more I learn about a given scenario. Some topics are impossible to ignore, unfortunately. One of those to me is this new Mississippi Religious Freedom Act or whatever the hell it's called. I have lived in Mississippi all my life. It has always been a source of secret shame for me, as I feel so vastly different from the large majority of people who live in this small pocket of the world. I've never fit in here; my ideas, my values, my choice in clothing even are far out of place & always have been, & it's something I have struggled with always. This area is known as the Bible Belt, because of the insane number of churches per square mile. I do not believe in the bible & do not consider myself to be a Christian, which is neither here nor there, nor does it mean I am not spiritual or that I don't believe in God or any other name that's applicable; that doesn't matter, though. The Separation of Church & State is pretty damn important in my (not-so humble) opinion. Since I was a small child, in primary school learning about the founding of this country, I've understood that a major reason for the establishment of this land as a sovereign nation was just that: Separation of Church & State. Laws & Acts & what-the-f*ck-ever that seem to override that simple concept are rampant in this state, evidently more so than in others. This Religious Freedom nonsense is only the latest in infuriating acts of self-righteousness. But here is a point I cannot ignore, either: Do all these holier-than-thou, so-called Christ-like entities who hold so firmly against LGBT rights not also have every right to refuse service in their businesses to whomever they deem un-servable? I'm kind of stumped there. Yes, I believe this behavior to be unjust, cruel, inhumane, & downright disgusting in every sense. I believe it is simple rationale that one group of people doesn't lord personal opinion over another's. But is it not a violation to take away someone's freedom to NOT be a good person?
The reality that people can be so ..... close-minded, so uncompassionate, so bull-headed (enough hyphenated words yet?) makes me angry, sad & cynical. 'Do what you will' should be the whole of the law until you violate the rights of another. Easy. Who am I to say whom you should love, where you should love, what you should say, how you should say it, et cetera... & for that matter, who are you to tell me any of the same?

I don't know the answers any more than anyone else, of course. I do know that I should be proud that I am a Mississippian, one who does have an open mind & compassion & who is not blindly lead by bullshit someone on an alter tells me. NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH RELIGION! It's only wrong when it is used as a reason to be hateful.

ARGH I don't even know what I am trying to say here..... Stumped again.
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Me Dot Com [Mar. 28th, 2016|12:28 pm]
Melanie
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Mine on website. Why not? I have myself a MacBook Pro, which apparently can make one easily, though how I am not at all sure. What content? Well, my blog, for one thing. Also I could have an extension of my Etsy shop.... (Oh I really need to update that). It would likely be lots of fun, when I figure out how to tinker & whatnot. Photos, naturally. Who knows what it could lead to, creative-wise? Any advice?

Sorry for the short post, but I figured a short post is better than none. To me, anyway.
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For Trusted Eyes Only [Mar. 20th, 2016|11:13 am]
Melanie
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Mood |restless (relentlessly)]
[Current Music |Teenage Riot by Sonic Youth]

So I saw this the other day on Facebook:


Dennis Simmons
February 22 at 7:38pm ·
Honey bunny .....that's what's on my mind that's all that's been on my mind I need closer.......please



That's my ex husband, for those of you who may not know, & his pet name for me was always honey bunny. This post is very clearly about me. Unfortunately, this display is not enough to revoke his parole, since it wasn't a statement made directly to me or any of my friends or family. But I learned after speaking with my victim's advocate at the DA's office that it IS enough to contact his parole officer (whose name is Melanie, poetically), who is going to keep a sharper eye on him. His grammar & spelling are embarrassingly atrocious, so it's likely he meant to say "closure" instead of "closer", but still..... My advocate also told me adamantly to stay off Facebook, which was fine for a long time, but now I want to catch up and keep up with my friends, so it's difficult. And in all it's wisdom, FB continuously "suggests" him, his brother, his son, etc as a friend, & my wicked curiosity from time to time gets to better of me & I check out his stupid page. This time, I'm almost glad I did, though naturally seeing this post threw me for a loop. I recovered pretty quickly, thank heavens, but not before having to take extra anxiety meds & getting a righteous migraine.

In other news, I have become so out of shape I got winded the other day walking a short distance down the street. So today I am starting a new regimen of easy yoga for beginners. I'll let you all know how that goes.... please wish me luck!
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Rain, Rain Gone Away [Mar. 13th, 2016|02:25 pm]
Melanie
[Tags|, ]
[Current Mood |happyhappy]
[Current Music |Hawkmoth by Plaid]



Hi, it's me again.

After numerous days of heavy rainfall & record flooding, the sun decided to come out today. It makes little difference to me, though. It was very interesting to see all the flooding, I have to say. The pier at the lake was completely submerged, & the spillway was a river almost 10 feet deep. At one point, the lake was SO overflowing, it briefly blocked the road outside my house, but not for long. A major thoroughfare very nearby was washed away; the road just crumbled. A few times, I had to turn my car around to take a different route due to closed & flooded roads. Exciting times, indeed!

The flood that this one blew out of the record books was in the early 1980's before I actually lived here; an elephant & goat at the city zoo drowned. There are (or were) plaques on trees around town that showed the water level, which in some places was as high as 8 feet. I was very surprised to learn that this storm was even worse than that one. This time, no animals were harmed at the zoo, thank goodness.

I do remember vaguely the previous flood; I lived in Ocean Springs, down on the Gulf Coast, & my brother's school bus could not get to our apartment due to rising water. He had to walk home in the torrential downpour, poor fella. I was not old enough for school, but I distinctly remember watching Inspector Gadget by myself, because my brother hadn't made it home yet. That show was a treat for us everyday when he got home. Funny, the things one remembers.
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Today [Mar. 10th, 2016|02:18 pm]
Melanie
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |bed]
[Current Mood |Lazy]
[Current Music |Lion song by Björk ]



Hi. I'm putting in pictures so when I put it on Facebook, it doesn't just show the LJ icon. Also, it's fun.

In other news, I don't really have any news. It's rainy outside. I'm taking today to be lazy & have zero expectations. Shower? Maybe. Go out? Nah. Stay dressed in patented around-the-house clothes? Totally. Feel guilty about it? Hell no!!



There's a therapeutic exercise I'm working on: "I have the right to feel angry about ________." It's tough. For future reference, I will refer to this as my anger work, ok? Ok. Anyhow, I often feel I do not have the right to be angry about anything, though I still have the anger. But I write it anyway, & that brings forth all sorts of accompanying emotions with which I may not want to deal. So it's slow-going. The good thing is that I am actually doing this work, not avoiding it all, as per my usual. Avoidance is a big issue for me, & honestly I think it is for a lot of people, whether they realize it or not. Why would anyone want to think long & hard about all the badness in their life & the world? Rumination can lead to all sorts of negativity. But you have to "deal" sooner or later, & the longer you wait the more difficult it becomes. Trust me on that one.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

P.S. I think soon I need to bring back the #NoShameSilliness from Instagram I had so much fun with. Soon.
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Banging & Sawing & Swearing [Mar. 8th, 2016|11:05 am]
Melanie
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Mood |uneasy]
[Current Music |Hoarfrost by Sonic Youth]



Trying to decide if I want to go to the movies this morning. I have to get out of the house; there's construction going on & the loud noises are very triggering. There's not much playing that I want to see. Add my last experience at the movies (saw a dude go in with a gun very obviously) & you might expect my hesitance. There's not much playing I'd be interested in seeing, though... Maybe The Witch. I have been isolating far too much lately.... Going to a movie alone would at least be a step sort of in the right direction. Sort of.

I loathe indecision. It hasn't been a problem for me until recently. I've always gone with my gut. Nowadays I guess I don't trust my gut much. That's a shame, my own instincts should be the #1 thing I trust, no? OK then.... *listening to my gut* ..... It's not telling me anything. Great.

Here's a thought: Just go. Go drive some, see what I feel like, maybe (definitely) grab some coffee, explore a little. Maybe I'll find some awesome flea market I never knew about, that would be lovely though unlikely.

That's what I'll do. It'll get me away from here, & that's the most important thing right now. Ta ta!
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Eggshells & Isolation [Mar. 7th, 2016|01:26 pm]
Melanie
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |favorite chair]
[Current Mood |Ornery ]
[Current Music |Jang A Lang by Lizzo]



Hello, there.

Given my .... um... state of mind (?) currently, at times it's necessary for me to remove myself from a situation, a place, etc. It can be tricky. People don't always understand. "It'll be alright." Will it, though? For you, maybe. "Just relax." Really?! I just had not even thought of that. "Oh, you're feeling bad? How? What's wrong? Did I do something?" I can't explain how, everything is wrong, NO you didn't do anything wrong. It gets so old.

At the same time, though, walking on eggshells around me is not acceptable. Sure, I get uncomfortable, but I know when I need to make an abrupt exit, or excuse myself to be alone. Honestly, I really thought I'd explained this thoroughly to everyone I know.... but maybe I just think I did. I get frustrated about having to explain myself ("no, I mean I have to leave right now. Now.") because it is shameful to me that I feel these things. I hate having to remind the universe (& myself) that I have these things to deal with all day, everyday. And I ought not let those feelings of frustration bleed out & onto anyone else. Instinctually, I want to push everyone away. Things are so much simpler in solitude, & safer. Isolation is so unhealthy, I keep reminding myself, & those that really love me will know (I hope) how I feel really, & stick with me & my , er, eccentricities through this journey.

....I feel like I've already said most of this, if not all of it.... If you've read a similar post, my bad.
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New Hair, Hallelujah! [Mar. 6th, 2016|11:40 am]
Melanie
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Mood |goodgood]
[Current Music |Iron Man by The Cardigans]

"INFP* – The Idealist
Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people."
*The INFP stand for: introversion, intuition, feeling, & perceiving.

I am not sure why I keep taking these little personality tests (besides the fact that it's just kinda fun), but I do, & here's another. Though I have been told many times that I am an idealist, the rest? Not so sure.

Anyway, my trifling tress troubles are (for now) NO MORE!!!


I'm pretty sure I like it, but still need more time to get used to it. One thing is for sure: all the stuff I have been complaining about for months is no longer relevant, hallelujah!!

I'd like to thank all you guys for your encouragement. Probably wouldn't have happened without y'all's support. Yes, y'all.
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The User Used The Cutter To Cut [Feb. 26th, 2016|06:26 pm]
Melanie
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Mood |blankblank]

There has been an itching on my neck all day. When I checked it out in the mirror, I re-discovered a scar there, one I knew about but had deliberately forgotten. It's from a box cutter, the same one the was used on my face. Moments before... it was... used on my face, it was ... used on my neck, in an attempt to slice it open. It worked, but not very well, only further enraging.... the... user of the box cutter. Hence.... my face.
I am trying to be less blunt about these type things, as I realize now how uncomfortable it must make other people. But I don't think I'm doing it right...

Re-finding this small, barely noticeable scar made me immediately very woozy, & I ended up in another room without realizing I was moving at all. My impulse was to write about it. So here we are. What more do I have to say about it? I don't know. I feel sick. Normally, I would do whatever I could to distract myself in situations like this. My brain is already trying hard to check out.

....
It happened. It's done now. It's over, & it's because of my strength that it is over. That is truly amazing & wonderful.


....
I don't feel sick anymore.
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